By Jordan Meadows
Crawling into bed a quarter ‘til two.
My head pounding,
Eyes trimmed and rimmed in luminescent blues.
Saltwater kisses dried on my pillowcase.
Don’t remember remedies on feeling alone—
I wonder if I made a mistake.
I don’t have the thought of you to keep me company.
Crawling into bed tonight,
I try not to think of you not thinking of me.
My heart doesn’t like its rhythm,
I feel its beat pulsing loudly.
It’s thinking that my brain is crazy, it
Screams, “Someone help me out!”
It’s just so hard to mediate these fights
Between my heart and brain.
I just want the pain to alleviate.
I want the hurt to dissipate.
I want the vision of his smile to fade away—
I want his smell to evaporate.
I want to stop seeing his big brown eyes,
Every time my eyes drift closed at night.
Raged, hurt, confused.
Even drugged thoughts keep tracing, racing,
Finding ways back to you.
I chose this. I decided this, but
I want all of you.
This feels wrong.
This feels cruel.
Exhaustion sets in at three a.m.
I have thought of him too long so I
Replace memories of him with
Thoughts on how to sleep alone.
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